My Dark Place

I went to my dark place last night. That secret part of myself that I stumble upon when I discover a new aspect of this lifestyle that stirs inside me a new desire. A new desire so terrifying because it pushes a boundary I never knew existed. It crosses it and turns me on.

When I was first with Josiah I visited my dark place a lot. He coaxed me, told me it was OK to want the things I desired, gave me the confidence to love what I wanted and expand on it. Soon, I wasn't visiting my dark place anymore and I was happy.

My knee was aggressively bothering me again yesterday and to distract myself I started reading No Ordinary Love Story: Sequel to Diary of a Submissive by Sophie Morgan. In it she described her partner flogging, whipping, cropping (can that be used as a verb?) and stopping right before she cried. Instead she begged him to make her cry.

And that's when I discovered I want that too.

I want to have a partner that I trust so greatly to push me off the edge and also be my safety net. I want him to make me cry and stare me in the eyes and slap my face, focusing me on only him. I want to feel him hard against me as I weep against his chest, cradled in his arms. I want him to enter me, tears drying on my cheeks and tell me I am beautiful, that I am wonderful, that I am for him. I want him to press his thumb against my throat telling me what a good little whore I am, that I would let him fuck me after he made me cry. To feel him slide smoothly in and out of my body. Teasing my air supply as my orgasm builds. I want to see him smile down at me, feeling how wet I am because of it. I want to grab at his torso as the tempo builds, as the sorrow and shock weens to be replaced by pleasure, all pleasure, all him. I want to scream as I feel him pulse inside of me, his own triumphant groan muted by the blood rushing in my ears. I want to feel his weight upon my body, curled and safe within his heat, shifting as he grows soft and licking both our juices clean from his most glorious cock.

It's an extreme that would take years to build, but I still want it. I want a type of man who would desire to give that to me, to be comfortable and confident with himself to do that, and to share in the mutual pleasure.

Even though I've mostly reconciled it in my mind, I still need someone to hold my hand and tell me I'm OK to want what I want.

To remind me that I am not alone.