On the Edge

I had the opportunity to have a chat (online) with my most recent ex and the aftermath has left me with a very hard choice to make: I can either live stuck dragging my feet while still being attached to this person emotionally (even in the sexual abstract) or I can get up and go and live the life I am supposed to lead. I already knew I didn't miss him. I'm missing the idea of him -- the fantasy of the man I really want: a man who can push me beyond what I can do myself.

During our chat it became abundantly clear that even as a friend it wouldn't work. The same reason that he broke up with me -- had to get his life together and thus, didn't have time for me -- is the same reason we wouldn't be able to be friends.

That, and I became a woman with two insecure heads.

At some point in the conversation it became apparent to me that I was trying to fill a void -- out of habit. Talking and talking and talking... and it was just fluff. Meaningful fluff about real feeling and events, but when I took a step back and saw myself in this conversation I started asking myself, who are you? In the stillness of meditation afterwards it became abundantly clear that I do not have those proclivities anymore, there is no "void" to fill. I am secure enough and strong enough within myself to not talk AT a person to escape the loneliness (blogging totally doesn't count), despite what my fears say.

Those fears that I indulge and contact my ex because I fear that I'll forget about D/s, or that I'll be forgotten or that I'll have trouble finding a new Dom so I want to keep the old one in my back pocket (crazy logic, I know)...

The truth is, however, that fears are just thoughts. They have no true power and can be dismissed or replaced. Thus, it gives me strength to know that if I focus on the present, on how blessed I am right now, how God has something so much better in store for me, that my BDSM desires run deep and are not just a passing fancy... Well, that's when he becomes just another beautiful face on this wonderful Earth. A person to be treated with kindness and respect, a man whom I can appreciate for introducing me to the lifestyle I was made for and, thus, the intimacy of our past slips away.

A beautiful part of the healing process that I will faithfully pray more to be ready to embrace.

Because being stuck is a real bitch.

A Little Saturday Night Prayer

Lord, you have made me in your image. You have set a divine path in front of me. I cast off the past that is unnecessary, the urges that would do me harm or distract me from your light. I willingly embrace your way and open my life to your perfection. Your light is what guides my heart and so I ask that my mind be cleared of all impurities, right here in this perfect moment. My mind is now open and receptive to your guidance, your peace, your love. I know that the love I freely give is returned to me in perfect right companionship, right livelihood, and health. I release this word to you, Heavenly Father, knowing all is harmonious now. 

Amen. 

Waxing

Perhaps one day. 

Sorry to deceive you but this is about grooming, not that particular type of waxing.

It should come as no surprise that, given my proclivities, I absolutely love waxing. I wax my eyebrows, upper lip, upper thighs, stomach and chest, my toes -- all at home. It makes me feel pretty and special and clean. Like a new haircut, only better. The pain is an afterthought. When it comes to my nether regions, however, it is a completely different story. I leave that up to the professionals.

In the past I've always just trimmed, unless I was in a relationship and then it was a playboy all the way. Submissiveness has taught me to respect myself in a deeper fashion and I've found since the split that I've been craving to be groomed (not erotically) down there. I like feeling smooth, bare, ready.

Ultimately, I think, with or without a Dom I need to be respecting myself in all the ways that I can.

Tomorrow can't come soon enough...


update: I don't care the costs, self care is the best.