Relationships are Complicated

I struck a sexual liaison with J3 recently. Granted, it has only been two glorious times but there is a thin inclination that there will be more. And that last sentence sums up the confounding nature of J3 the fuck buddy. Oh yes, I am fully aware of what I have entered into and am using the opportunity to flush out any tendrils of excessive feelings and let those little silly things go... while getting my brains fucked most thoroughly.

Yet despite the fact he is the best lover I have ever had, each responding (and fueling) each other in devious synchronicity, I don't trust him outside of the bedroom. From making plans to enhancing the S/m dynamic, I honestly don't think he'll follow through. For example: he's great with knots and enjoys typing me up. My mind goes to the fact that inexpensive classes are offered locally for him to attend, yet his response is of the hesitant nature. Why? Who bloody well knows, -- it would just make him that much more of a sex God, the twat.

Ain't got time for that!

In all seriousness, as long as I have zero expectations of him other than his dick, I'm fairly certain I'll satiate my horniness for at least a month, maybe more. Yippie!

TMI Tuesday: The One With Songs

Music is the spice of life and for this week, following the prompts, I've chosen which is the best song for the situation described (in my personal experience). If you are on a non-flash device, you might not be able to listen to some songs so I've provided youtube links. Enjoy!

1. When you wake up in the morning.
Loreena McKennitt - All Souls Night

Loreena McKennitt 'All Souls Night'.mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

What better way to wake up than with a little dancing? It doesn't start out too harshly and loud, it builds up. Perfect for calmly getting my behind out of bed to start a fabulous day!

2. When you climax during sex.
Lonely Island (feat Akon) - I Just Had Sex

The Lonely Island - I Just Had Sex .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

It's really just too perfect. Also, a good laugh.

3. When you urinate.
Taco- Puttin' On the Ritz

Taco - Puttin On The Ritz .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

Purists, it's OK. I know it's a cover. But Taco adds so much flavor and is so 80s! I don't know about you, but when I'm sitting in a compromising position I want to feel rather fancy... and have fun with it. Runner Up: Hugh Laurie (as Bertie Wooster from Jeeves and Wooster) - Puttin' On the Ritz But honestly, it's Stephen Fry as Jeeves that just makes the scene so good. 

4. When you walk into your home after a long day of work.
Various - Mr. Norman's Song

This a collaborative song/project that many many people helped create. Even when I'm tired or have a day of hardship, it's good to know the masses come together to create beauty. 

5. When you take the first sip of your favorite beverage.
Michael Bernard Beckwith - Energetic Shapeshifter 
I love water, the substance that we as humans cannot live without. I feel like I should speak to my gratitude in that simplicity. With lyrics that loop, "you might as well give in and be happy" and guides listeners to take a second and savor the joy around them... I feel like enjoyment in what is usually mundane should be celebrated. 

Bonus: When you are reprimanding your kids or yelling at your significant other.
The Wailin' Jennys - Deeper Well (live)

The Wailin' Jennys - Deeper Well .mp3

Found at bee mp3 search engine

I'm of the general mindset that anger is hurt and fighting with a significant other is a heated opportunity to understand yourself and a way to find peace -- as long as you step away from the situation. I always listen to "Deeper Well" when I am searching for God, or I'm angry and confused. But! For those times in the past when I just think someone's a right tart there's the ever fabulous Pet Shop Boys - I'm With Stupid. The lyrics are perfect and the music video featuring the guys from Little Britain is just hilarious.

Bonus, Bonus: When you are having sexual relations. 
Carfax Abbey - Cry Little Sister

Again, I know it is a remake, but I just like it. For some reason the slight variations of beats and the main singer's voice does it for me. I love the lyrics, but to me the beat encapsulates how passionate sex is supposed to be like: raw, honest, and fleeting. 


If you would like to participate in today's TMI Tuesday (or any other future ones), or see other bloggers responses visit the TMI Tuesday blog! 

Tomorrow

It is late as I transcribe this and all I can think is, it is not tomorrow, it is not tomorrow.

I'm not in difficult pain, but the pain that aches like a contracting burner that lights up my left leg in teeth-grinding discomfort. I hate it. I hate that I've wasted so much time. I am happy that I wrote, though. A small consolation but a consolation none the less. You would think that I might have some inkling of how to move forward as the pressure releases within me. Yes, as the calming introspection wafts over my consciousness I can feel the thoughts, hope, and solutions coming.

But I am afraid.

Still I wish to shut it out, but I cannot. It is a geyser -- this progress in myself. It cannot be stopped. For I know I have purpose. I know I will not fail. I will overcome my need for absolute control -- my distrust of others. Oh yes, that is exactly where my neurosis blossoms from. The apex of my fears, down to the structure of my life for so long is being demolished, rotting away like the filth that it is; a dangerous cancer slowly devouring its own disease. It has consumed its host, it no longer can breed as it once did. For I am an amoeba of the Universe, forever splitting and crashing back into the light that birthed my brilliant soul.

Falling

I've had an unmistakable sudden drop in mood recently. Indeed, I have become rather blasé in my response to life following Saturday or Sunday, I think. I've made an appointment with my therapist for later in the week, to be sure, so at least one part of my brain is working. I don't bother to hide it, yet am angry when my mother became concerned tonight. 

It is the strangest depression I have ever experienced because I know something is wrong. I know that I am sad by the way the urge to cry rolls over me (yet I do not because I am reminded of just how silly this whole situation is). I know because I am angry. Where the strangeness comes in is how this sadness and anger are being played out. I don't feel trapped, and I don't feel angry at myself or any one particular thing (unless told to do something). I don't feel as if I am "stuffing" my emotion down. I don't feel like hiding the way I normally do. I unsuccessfully "purged" my lunch today and was equally proud of my body for not meeting my unhealthy compulsion and equally curious and apathetic as to why I would try such a thing.  It's all very... scientific. Like I am watching myself experience it with some device that allows the audience to feel sympathy for the characters going through it. 

Odd, yes?

What brought it on? The stress and pressure of school and work? Consuming the entire Hunger Games trilogy in a week? Finally dealing with the death of our cat (we put her down last Friday)? Mourning the fifth anniversary of my aunt's death? 

Who knows? It doesn't really matter anyway. I would feel quite comfortable to have this whole mess behind me so that I can just get on with life. What a bother you are, emotions! Naughty, naughty! 

photo credit

Priorities

When Things Get Complicated

Life is a bit of a funny thing. Just when I think things have settled, chaos and distress threaten to take hold. Thankfully I have great coping skills, but I still find myself being influenced by stress. While I know it's pretty much the only way to learn or heighten my tolerance for such things, it stills alarms me a smidge. What keeps me going is the fact the days I feel like I'm imploding from OH MY GOD ALL THE THINGS I NEED TO DOOOOOOOOO (aka being someone with responsibilities) are much lower than the days where I feel pretty confident that I actually do said things. In short, I'm facing my fears on those days where I just feel like I want to hide. And yes, I will admit that I do sometime hide to a certain extent. But here, Gentle Readers (Amelia Peabody anyone?), is where I would like to clarify what hiding actually means.

"Hiding" is now an act of self-care. "Hiding" means I admit to myself that I am not super-woman. That I am not perfect and 12 hours of sleep are well earned after a stressful research paper. "Hiding" means recognizing I need to read to be myself: calm and happy. "Hiding" means a re-prioritization of my life. Thus, it means a reward for a job well done; it means I can face another day with sanity. And truly, going forward it is best that I meet my days as such for I have a mountain before me to climb!

The struggle to keep my head is further exacerbated by the fact I believe a gentlemen classmate of mine is keen on me. You see, I sit next to this particular fellow and through a group project we have become friends. He is attractive, I will admit, and thought so the moment I saw him weeks ago. We have similar interests and he is an ambitious fellow of the highest caliber. The hints have been coming since last Friday with little comments such as "cute and funny, I like it" and volunteering the fact he is unattached. Or others such as, "like me" when I spoke of how I enjoy men who are not the norm (I was speaking of my infatuation with the beautifully rugged men of Scotland). This was promptly laughed off by me as I would classify his lineage of French-Mexican as normal, to me. Also, I may or may not have been trying to drop hints in that same conversation that well, I like a dominant man. You know this, I know this... he and his 18 years does not.

Ah yes, this fellow I speak of is 18. He does not look 18, but I am of the school of thought that how you looks does not make up for the number of years and experiences a person. Equally, I don't sense he possesses the dominant qualities I desire. He is exceedingly nice. The bend-over-backwards for anyone he knows because that is his nature type of fellow. Sweet, smart, attractive, intelligent, and ambitious -- he is quite a catch. Just not my type of catch. The boost to my ego, however, is rather tempting.

Tempting and easy, a rather vicious cocktail for me to be presented with. Any advice from you lot? Clearly it's too soon to see how this pans out, but I don't remember ever being put in a situation like this before so I'm equally amused and mortified.

Some Serious Type of True