Letting Go

The pain killers are in full effect, so I have a momentary sense of sanity. There's so much I want to share and very little brain time to express it.

Yesterday's orientation was fantastic and I am now a member of my local BDSM club. Josiah did pick me up and we carpooled. It did bring up a lot of things and in my twisted desire to still have him in my life on the way back to my house I brought up being play partners. I mean, our chemistry has been off the charts. Case in point: yesterday, I was in pain and yet still I was growing wet by his near presence. On my bed, however, I came clean about what I really needed: him, all of him. When he mentioned that he might at some point want reconciliation I ran with it. An hour later, however, I was told he "doesn't want us."

Here's the thing. This whole time since the break-up, since talking to him and whatever it was I/ we were doing... I still had hope that he'd "wake up". That he'd realize the things he mentioned, what he needs to work on in his own life... they can be overcome. And that I'm a really freaking great catch. That having me in his corner, in his life would be freaking fantastic. Cowardice and vulnerability I can work with -- it's all part of being human. What he did and is going through is forgivable, but he has to want it. He has to want the care and responsibility of bettering his life. With me in it, anyway. And clearly, he doesn't want to. Ever.

That kind of sucks. And blows my mind.

I respect his decision, and am thankful that he can be so honest with me. It is that final inch of the open window being closed that I am grieving now. That final realization that the person I want, the good, wonderful man really doesn't want me. At all. So I truly have to wash my hands of him forever.

After all that I've been through, all that I've worked through and have been dealing with, I'm just ready for my prize. I'm the person I want to be in life, and I want everything that I deserve. I really am at the end of my rope, exhausted, and have been pushed to the brink emotionally, psychologically, and physically.

I am willing. I allow good to flow into my life.

I let go.