Transition Time

Well... where do I begin?

Do I write about how last night I ran out of pain medication and what ensued? (I blacked out, but I do remember transcending the pain before unconsciousness. Apparently I texted J #3, of which I only vaguely remember. Oh and called, according to my phone. Hm.)

Do I write about how the doctor wants me to take 1/4 dose of what I have been taking for, I theorize, fear of addiction? (They were the ones saying I could take 2 each time and I'm nowhere near the point of addiction, but I can see where he is coming from. Still sucks. Yarg!)

Do I write about how since "transcending the pain," despite my knee still hurting something fierce, I have been SOPPING WET all day? (I feel like the first time I got spanked and found out how wet I was... this is all so confusing.)

Do I write about how my surgery is FINALLY scheduled for May 21? (Well, that was easy)

Or do I write about how scared I have gotten? How every night I feel as if I should be doing more with my life, that I can be doing more with my life, but don't know where to start?

Deep fears have been triggered, but I'm ready to stop this cycle of daily regeneration. I'm ready to go to bed loving life rather than exhausted and feeling shitty about myself just because of external circumstances. I want to keep the joy, the happiness I feel when I wake up, sustained throughout the day.

I'm tired of being all blargh all the time. I hate being blargh. I'm not blargh. (She says in a whiney voice as she thinks of chocolate ice cream for comfort)

But seriously, I know it's all going to be OK, I just have to rethink how I do/think things. Change is always good.