The Dawn of a New Day

I'm beginning to develop a hypothesis that my knee pain and my stress levels are intrinsically combined at the moment. One of the owners at the boutique I work at (I work two jobs) is out of town so my hours have been raised. Being on it more all week as well as being silly and walking up and down the stairs to my condo.... well, let's just say putting pressure on my leg makes me want to scream.

So it really shouldn't have come as a surprise that yesterday my mind went a little nuts. I'm ashamed to say how dark my thoughts went. I debated, weighed in whether I want to write what I thought, and yes. Solely for the purpose of recognizing I thought these things, felt these things, but by morning I came back. No chip on my soul, no weight baring me down. I am indeed refreshed and renewed. Back to my best self.

I acted on one of those thoughts, kind of. I don't know how, but I remembered his number and called it, in the hopes that I could have him reget me, tell me how little he cares about me again (he didn't answer, the lovely man. Thank you!). I was in so much pain emotionally, so hollow and empty (and yes, my knee pain was growing as the afternoon/ night went on)... I even had thoughts of giving myself up to him, just to use, no pleasure for me. None. The thinking there was, well, I already felt violated and used, might as well just let him have me. I almost drove over there, but the fact remains I didn't. I didn't act on those dark and scary thoughts, I rode them out until I was tired and fell asleep.

Every time I think I've hit a new low, touched a psychologically darker part of myself I always forget how easily I can let go and feel better the next day. That my recovery time from such, we'll call them hiccups (it sounds so much more dainty), gets shorter each time and I feel stronger, more ready to confront the day, my life. More willing and able to handle things appropriately, in a healthy manner.

This is my story, and I choose to rewrite my life for the better.