Falling

I've hit a new personal low lately and the longevity of my mood is starting to piss me off. Considering the "new personal low" isn't that low I really should consider myself lucky, and I'm slowly coming around to how I can assess, recover, let go, and move forward -- for my sake.

What happened was this: on Sunday, my father sat me down and told me in his opinion I was taking advantage of him and his girlfriend and that I "needed to want it [recovery] more." When I asked the question of what he thought I should be doing more of, and there was no answer... I flipped out. The conversation triggered, especially from my father, the feeling of not being good enough. And I can admit that yes, I was enjoying the showering of attention and assertive care my father was providing, but let me be clear I said thank you at every opportunity, even are random moments -- just for allowing me to stay there and the care he was providing. Clearly, I didn't say it loud enough. Secondly, perhaps I was slipping into slight (and I do mean slight) complacency but that morning I had recognized it and was trying my best to correct it. Also, that complacency did not effect my recovery.

I had been doing PT on my own (attempted leg lifts-- only successful that Sunday morning --heel slides, and foot flexes to increase blood flow). Just that morning I had started using one crutch, although I did almost fall over and ask for my second crutch, no biggie. And the day before (Saturday) I had gotten my own breakfast. I had even tested myself Saturday afternoon without crutches or cane and took 6 very wobbly steps. You know what my father said to that news? Oh, you're going to push yourself too hard. So, yes, Sunday's talk hurt and was emotionally exhausting. To make matters worse when I got upset and tried to talk to him... all I got was a wall of "I'm done" and calling me my mother's and step-mother's names. To say it was petty and hurtful doesn't even touch upon it.

Eventually it was resolved by me getting a ride home. Too add confusion to an already fucked up situation my dad wanted me to stay another night. Because telling me he wanted me to be more independent wasn't his goal... he wanted to see me being independent  I'm still scratching my head over that one. So, I went home. Have been home since then. It's hard, and now I'm doing damage control.

It was MY decision to push myself.

It was MY decision to not listen to my gut and do something stupid.

To prove what? That I'm better than he is? being better than him in my eyes is no contest as long as I stay true to myself, and I failed myself big time. And now I am reaping the consequences. Because of my stupid actions on Monday my knee, once normal looking, swelled up to look like when took off the bandages and the swelling won't go down. The doctor said it was OK, completely normal and even said the stitches could come out.

What bothers me the most about this is I'm still carrying it around. I'm second guessing myself and that is NOT OK. My intuitive compass has become skewed and I want it back.