Step by Step

For a little while now, I've been seeing a psychotherapist. For the past month, week after week, I've had surprising sessions. Revealing sessions where I've broken down and shocked myself at my deep emotions. True burning hatred, sorrow, and regret have brought me to tears each week with long-buried fears. It's helped me to be aware of just how frightened I am, dreams I thought I had buried, people I thought I had forgiven and showed me how paralyzed I've made myself. How emotionally I've fixed my life upon my 8-9 year old self and the resulting tragic loop.

The funny thing is, now that it's out... I've been getting pretty good at the "day by day" thing. I've silenced the perfectionist/ "not good enough" voice in my head, for the most part. I've felt... normal. Everyday I have been facing a little bit of these fears, riding out whatever comes up and apparently the Universe thinks I can handle MORE than just what has come up in session. Two events happened over the weekend, one striking deep into my most sensitive insecurity and the second forcing me into a form of action.

I admit it, I checked out this weekend. Hell, I'm fairly certain I manifested a MASSIVE migraine as a way to hide for a number of hours. And even this morning has been bumpy. My insides feel twisted and each simple task forward leaves anxiety in its wake.

But each step is a lesson in mind mastery. It is a boot camp of self-discipline.

And that's all it takes, for now, is a simple step forward. One at a time.