Slipping into Old Habits

I haven't handled this week as well as I would like and I have noticed that I have been slipping back into myself, stuffing my feelings as a result. The problem, at its base core, is that I cannot seem to properly express myself and it has led into some fierce negative self-talk, resulting in making myself feeling like pond scum (or at the very least deep sea dweller. Have you seen those crazy fish? They glow!). And you know what? I hate it. Not just the situation(s) that I am learning from, but from this emotional flagellation of myself.

It started early in the week with my increasing inability to, well, successfully orgasm during masturbation. I respond best to physical experiences or memory recall of something that truly happened to make my alone time that much more pleasing. Somehow, in my mind, if I can recall how a hand feels against my skin, or how the air seems to grow blissfully heavy with lust when I am looked at a certain way... I can trick my body to give me the release I need. But we all know my only frame of reference and that just sucks balls. Bonus? I can't run to give me the masochistic release of that sweet pleasure-pain.

While we're on the subject of my fitness level, or more specifically my knee, I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been getting pissed as all fuck because of it. I've been in constant pain since last week. Basically, it's been like a migraine or menstrual cramps -- sure, I can pop Ibuprofen like its candy to dull it, but that's just a cover-up. Result? I feel like I'm being Chinese water tortured to death with this thrumming undercurrent of pain that zaps me of energy pretty quickly. And the anger is fueling me the rest of the way. I might just have gone bonkers from that alone by now. Scratch that, I'm pretty sure a few screws have come loose.

The other thing that's been gnawing at me is this: I'm going back to college. Or at least trying to. And in this minefield of insecurity that I have, confessing to my mother has resulted in her being about as helpful as Gladys Kravitz. I recognize she's trying to check in, but when I have no news to give other than "yes, I did do xyz." or am unable at this time to be all ra ra ra to MYSELF about what's going on (for fear of failure) I don't feel I can be successful in answering her questions. But what happens when I express this to her? I got the guilt trip of the century. "When you're closed off like this it makes me feel like I'm the worst parent in the world. Can't you at least try?" I mention how uncomfortable it makes me. "Well, can't you at least try?" And when I curtly tell her about it being informative, apparently that's her cue to ask 20 questions. 

Conclusion?

*snark*