Drunk Thanksgivukkah

Confession: my family doesn't celebrate Chanukkah, but I've decided to get quite sloshed anyway. Enjoy your holiday! 

Back to Business

I've just completed my first real workout since my injury. Literally. Just now. Like I've just finished stretching out and in my excitement had to blog about it. Now if I'll be honest ever since worker's comp decided not to renew PT (physical therapy) back in October I dropped the ball. Why? Excuse excuse blah blah. Doesn't matter now, does it? That's the past and this is the present.

I've been in a funky mental haze lately but have noticed over the last two or three weeks that I've stopped being in bone-aching pain after work, or that even half-assing some of my PT the sharp pains have slowly gone away. Basically I've noticed that while I'm still not 100% I feel more myself athletically than I have in a long time. I have my body back.

Kind of.

I'm still way over weight and morbidly out of shape but I've come to terms with being gentle with myself. I've come to terms with my continued need for pain killers (although that's dwindling too) because I'm a still a weenie and hell no. Life is so much better when you take care of yourself and I'm sorry, but I'm not about to win an award for being Saint of the Year because of this knee. I like it when OTHER people hurt me (read: DOM), not when my own body decides to go rogue and do it thankyouverymuch.

So I've found a fitness plan (that I've modified somewhat) that will work for me. Just like school, work, and cleaning I'm going to ease into my work-outs. Oh, but I've signed up for my first 5K (set for February 1, 2014) as some extra motivation.

BOOM BITCHES.

The Dirty Word: If

I have this nasty habit of using if. As in, "if I don't do the laundry, then I can't wear pretty clothes" ... even though I have several outfits I can wear. It's a side effect of perfectionism. I punish myself for even the slightest of infractions and criticize myself brutally, to the point of severe mental abuse. Seriously, now that I'm aware of my self-talk, I'm shocked at what comes forward.

Thankfully I've made steps in this area and each time I fall off that proverbial wagon the ground appears to be getting closer. Take for instance my most recent of falls: I've scrubbed this house in nearly every room. Organized GENERATIONS of junk (I come from a line of pack rats, and am quite determined to break it), yet I haven't completely mastered the upkeep. I've nurtured and developed what is slowly blossoming into a healthy form of OCD, but in these new habits there are faults. While these new habits do not rely on the mighty "if", I am abolishing a lifetime of unhealthy habits, and raising the bar on what I consider "living standards". This in itself is not a miraculous healing, at least not for me.

Each time I feel like I've fallen into squalor just because I haven't put away the sheets or hung the clothes because I'm too tired I get to remind myself that I've made the bed, done the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, swept the floors AND given the dogs a bath. So really one fall from grace isn't all that bad.

It might take a few more tries, but I know I'm well on my way to perfect imperfection.

Confessions

Dear Lord, I know I am ready. I stand at the new plateau achieved ready to fly. I am so grateful for all I have accomplished thus far and I ask for you to guide my heart to the next destination. I open myself wide to the Ultimate Love. I let any remaining fears of inadequacy drift from me as I soar to success. I know you touch all in my life, blessing me with joy, happiness, and fulfillment. I experience your grand design with patience and peace. With this I honor You by loving myself unconditionally and unquestioningly. I give to others this same unquestioning love from the overflow -- attracting and receiving it back to me perfectly. I release this into the Infinite Universe thankful to know this to be true now in my life, unfolding more perfectly than I can imagine.

And so it is. 

Amen.

Original photo link

Battle of the Blogs

This isn't a new conundrum for me. I've been stumped as to how appropriately handle the situation of reviewing erotica and am failing. I might have this blog, wherein I am "anonymous" (my breadcrumbs to who I am etc are fairly large), but when it comes to books I have created myself as a brand, of sorts. I contact authors, customers, and publishing houses through me -- the face-to-a-name me. I love what I do and it's kind of my drug. However because of my new interests a good portion of the books I read are being left out of reviews or conversations and I'm not ready to scream to the world I'M SUBMISSIVE! There is a big difference between the sprinkling of romance reviews and reviewing an erotica. Mostly because, frankly, I'm just not comfortable with that level of exhibition.

So, I come to you guys. How should this be resolved? I'm open to all ideas, although I know my limitations. I'll be starting school come January, which means a lot tighter schedule and less time for social media. Your input is much appreciated!

Crushes

I can say unabashedly that I love BuzzFeed. It's one of those sites you go on and come up for air hours later, not even knowing any time has passed. Anyhow, I fell upon yet another one of their informative videos. This one about crushes, which hits pretty close to home.



Remember this guy? Through online chatting, I made a friend in a Dom. It definitely crossed the "friendship" line at some point (at least for me), but I think we both danced around it pretty well. It was the first time that I had remotely felt lust, kindness, etc. towards a man (since my injury or breakup). And shortly after I posted that about Him, He disappeared. I blame Night Vale's mysterious hooded figures. I think He got too close to the dog park.

Or, it was His demanding job. Who knows? Life is interesting like that and these sort of Universal teases gifts happen to me frequently. And while I'm not exactly lonely, the experience and lingering tendrils of a crush have left me more wistful than not. Sprinkle in some holiday warmth and you've got a relatively realistic girl dreaming again. Also, baking. But that's a whole other post.

No Shave November

One Sided

I've been wanting to write this for a long time, but I let life get in the way and all that. After reading a kind comment posted here I felt compelled to set things straight. Also, break the usual boo hoo post. Here's the thing: I mostly write when I feel compelled to get something out of my head. As a way to find objectiveness and, so that I can remember. 99% of the time I don't remember what upsetting thing happened from week to week. And as I move forward, the upsetting nature is diminishing due to my ability to process life in a healthier manner.

That being said, I live a pleasantly boring life (it's really not that boring to me, but terribly boring to write about). I don't know how to wax meaningful on the pleasantness of my life. I don't know how to convey my contentedness because, well, I experience it and don't need to study it? Journaling has always been my way of working through my emotions, the excess of energy in whatever form. As my happiness baseline is brought to a level that's more in balance... I don't write. I don't feel any right to write about how keeping the sink and kitchen relatively cleaned for over three months and what an accomplishment that is for me (and how I slowly build upon that cleaning schedule every week). Or how I'm really well and truly going back to college next year and how filled with hope and joy that I'm actually following my dreams. How, on the overall picture of things, I am grateful for how my life is and where I'm headed.

I'd feel braggy and weird if that's all I wrote about. Despite my post from months ago, this is a sexy community. We might not always write about a scene, but I don't have a couple's experience significant enough to share. And even if I did, would I really write about it? Who knows?

Life is changing for me in leaps and bounds, subtly and not so subtly. This commenter reminded me of how I want to present myself. Reminded me of my goal to be a role model, reminded me of why I'm going to school to obtain a doctorate. I've worked hard to better myself in real life but perhaps -- just perhaps -- it's time to better my online presence as well.