Thursday, April 10, 2014

Enlightened

As predicted, a few feelings came up for me as my little arrangement with J3 has continued. Whether it has been influenced by my period or pain it anyone's guess. But feelings of inadequacy have certainly been bouncing around in my head the last few days. Through journalling and reflection questions came up that I sought answers to: I wanted to define what exactly I meant to J3. You see, I've been finding that our sexual dynamic now is very similar to when we were "dating," leaving me to conclude that we really weren't ever anything more that a one-sided sexual objectification. I questioned him about it and he sort of agreed. Something along the lines of me asking, "either you weren't [of the boyfriend mindset]. didn't want to be, or didn't feel up to it, right?"

The first time that I called him up for a friendly fuck (meeting to do so in a car, no less) afterwards he bemoaned that he didn't feel "good enough" for me, which frankly I had thought that was the case and added to our dynamic now. Take that yearning away, as it was affirmed by him yesterday and what do I have? The worst kind of apathetic lover ever. Sure he's great in bed and we're only having sex, but the recognition that I am no different from or better than "just another tryst" and woah that sexy factor goes way down for me. If it doesn't matter to him one way or the other if we stopped yesterday, what's the point? He hasn't had success at all with other women so I'm a bit confused.

Is it just a guy/ girl thing? I'm curious. I was hurt, although now it's a mixture of pity and insult. There's more for me to learn, I think, and I'm still redefining what this new bit of information means. I knew it was a temporary arrangement and I'm a quick study, but DAMN. I want sex and I want to be desired and appreciated for me. Because I really don't think that's too much to ask and if some dum dum can't get with the program...


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3 comments:

  1. AnonymousApril 10, 2014 at 3:22 PM

    So is it that you want it to be just about sex, but while it's just about sex you want to be desired and appreciated as the unique person you are? If that's what you're saying, I agree with that. I wouldn't want to be with someone who just wants any woman willing to have him. I'd like to think that I bring something unique and worthwhile to the mix, that he's not thinking before he comes over that he just wants sex in general, but that he wants it with ME, or at least that he enjoys my company before and after. Lol.

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    1. SubGirl1987April 10, 2014 at 4:11 PM

      YES, YES -- that's it exactly! I don't think the poor dear knows exactly what he's got with me and well, that's just so sad and insulting. I mean, jeez.

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    2. AnonymousApril 10, 2014 at 4:37 PM

      That can definitely be a conundrum in a sex-only relationship. Mine started out to be only about sex, and has expanded a little since. But the one thing that kind of bugs me, thankfully only a little bit, is that Master and I could really be having a lot of fun talking about other things and doing other things, since we have a lot in common, even if some of it is just being 50+ and remembering the "good old days." The other thing is, and I mentioned it in my "Does He Think I'm An Idiot?" post, there's a lot about me he doesn't know, because he doesn't look at my book shelves, and since loving to read and learn was the primary interest in my life when I was younger, it would be kind of nice if the man in my life had some clue about what stimulates my mind.

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