Distractions

I've been having a tough time. Not just on the stuff that I have shared here but more. More that I am so scared of I can barely choke them out in therapy. I give this surface image of a semi-well adjusted weird but bubbly girl who has dreams despite the craziness. Who holds herself above water under pressure, pulling through with a certain kind of stoicism. But you want to know the awful, ugly truth?

I can bury it in a flash. I wasn't aware of it until recently. Something brings up some uncomfortable feelings? Oh look how amazing my life is! I'm on such a great path! This type of distraction is prevalent in other areas of my life, mostly appearing as "procrastination." A certain task makes me feel uncomfortable -- oh look! The dishes need to be done!

Writing this post is making me VERY uncomfortable. Why? I don't know. The phrase "stick with it" has been bouncing around in my head, but the moment I try and focus on a feeling it is almost like it dissipates like vapor. I've learned my unconscious ... it's been trained.

These are all just words, words vomited into the void as I can no longer keep them. I am full. I am empty. I desire to be filed with love and grace, but I have compacted my soul with so much pain, so much hurt, can love survive? I consume to numb the pain, I gag to pretend I can make it go away. No more room, it says, no more room. And thus my body quivers at the slightest provocation, the fear of falling, the unknown so strong. How can I not move forward without trust of change, of the unknown? I will submit to trust. I will open my soul, expose my most vulnerable parts and I will cry I AM AFRAID! Over and over. I am afraid, I am afraid, I am afraid. With each strangled cry of fear, each heartbeat I will feel the pain and let go. And accept the girl I am, no judgement.