Falling

I've had an unmistakable sudden drop in mood recently. Indeed, I have become rather blasé in my response to life following Saturday or Sunday, I think. I've made an appointment with my therapist for later in the week, to be sure, so at least one part of my brain is working. I don't bother to hide it, yet am angry when my mother became concerned tonight. 

It is the strangest depression I have ever experienced because I know something is wrong. I know that I am sad by the way the urge to cry rolls over me (yet I do not because I am reminded of just how silly this whole situation is). I know because I am angry. Where the strangeness comes in is how this sadness and anger are being played out. I don't feel trapped, and I don't feel angry at myself or any one particular thing (unless told to do something). I don't feel as if I am "stuffing" my emotion down. I don't feel like hiding the way I normally do. I unsuccessfully "purged" my lunch today and was equally proud of my body for not meeting my unhealthy compulsion and equally curious and apathetic as to why I would try such a thing.  It's all very... scientific. Like I am watching myself experience it with some device that allows the audience to feel sympathy for the characters going through it. 

Odd, yes?

What brought it on? The stress and pressure of school and work? Consuming the entire Hunger Games trilogy in a week? Finally dealing with the death of our cat (we put her down last Friday)? Mourning the fifth anniversary of my aunt's death? 

Who knows? It doesn't really matter anyway. I would feel quite comfortable to have this whole mess behind me so that I can just get on with life. What a bother you are, emotions! Naughty, naughty! 

photo credit