My self esteem and motivation has taken a nose dive lately. Dangerously, and to a level I do not feel comfortable with. I suspect part of it is due to not being able to afford birth control this past month, thus my state of massive dejection. And lack thereof to get me out of such a state.
But I think this is part of a bigger problem.
My life is pretty turbulent and maybe for the first time I'm realizing what being an adult is. I've slid past the point when I can be bailed out and I'm flailing. I'm drowning in my own experiences and I truly don't know how to turn my life PERMANENTLY around. Life isn't about struggle. It's about joy and laughter and beauty and love. These are things that I know so deeply in myself I don't understand why I haven't been manifesting or working towards it. I feel like I have some sort of missing piece or a glitch that others do not that makes me the way that I am. That keeps bringing me back to this place. I don't care if the time frame is weeks, months, or years, I'm tired of not being my best. I'm tired of failing all the time. I'm tired of the struggle, I'm tired of the lack.
And for the first time... a large portion of me wants to give up. Live in mediocrity. Accept the struggle as my life.
And that makes me weep the most. Because I really really really don't want to. I might be alive if i did, but I wouldn't be living.
Oh Sweety :-( Don't make me cry. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug now. Don't give up dear. You are so spiritual, have faith. Eat some chocolate. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs and kisses
It really means a lot that a virtual stranger would say such kind words. Thank you Desi, thank you so much.
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