Undone

As I awaken to the possibilities and break open this coffin I have built for myself, I am keenly aware of the state of inaction I remain in. There is excess energy that is spilling out into empty space. I see there is no partner to greet me, to grasp my hand, to drag me to that special place I desire.

I crave to be undone, shattered into a thousand pieces, to cry out in pain, in ecstasy, in an overwhelming of senses. I desire the ultimate release, to shed my old identity -- that which is not necessary -- and be caringly put back together.

Where there was fear, there is none now.

The mental draw licks at my skin ever so slightly. There are whispers, hope, that tickle the air.

In the empty space there is security.

For through it lies my other half.

Book Review: Bared to Him

Summary (from Goodreads): When stern, handsome, powerful, and rich Phillip Dettmer offers to all make Myka Monroe's BDSM fantasies come true, she's oh so tempted. She has always dreamed of being with a man who would be relentless in his expectations, a Dom who will push her to the edge, giving her the climaxes she craves and the bondage she needs. But she had never imagined that Phillp Dettmer would lay her bare to him, mentally and emotionally as well as sexually, or that the experience would change her life forever, leaving her stronger and more able to ask for what she needs.

Rating: (3/5)

Kink Factor: High, but very introductory. Still pleasantly steamy.

First Thoughts: "Well that ended far too quickly for my liking."

Review: Bared to Him is a short novella, originally published in an anthology (Bound to the Billionaire) and lacks the finess of a full story that I have come to love about Cartwright's works. Playing on the story of a newly awakened sub, the scenes are tame compared to veteran erotica stories, but don't let that sway you from an enjoyable, hot read. Perfect to whet your appetite, there is anal, humiliation, "punishment", and yes, bondage. However, if this story does leave you craving more  -- as it did me -- pick up a copy of With this Collar (#1) also by Cartwright.

Update

Well, I did so hate leaving the blog with just the last post, but I haven't had time to remedy that. So here I am, making time so that I'm not all woesy poesy. When I wrote you guys last a lot was going on. I was having a hell of a ... however long it was. Moment after moment I was getting punched in the stomach and it felt like I was emotionally clawing my way up to survive. So, much of that has been remedied and my mental state was in tact a few days later. My plate is no longer as full as it was.

Now that my basic needs are met, my submissive side has come back full force and I promise, for the most part, this blog will get back to being a submissive blog.

Hot Mess

My self esteem and motivation has taken a nose dive lately. Dangerously, and to a level I do not feel comfortable with. I suspect part of it is due to not being able to afford birth control this past month, thus my state of massive dejection. And lack thereof to get me out of such a state.

But I think this is part of a bigger problem.

My life is pretty turbulent and maybe for the first time I'm realizing what being an adult is. I've slid past the point when I can be bailed out and I'm flailing. I'm drowning in my own experiences and I truly don't know how to turn my life PERMANENTLY around. Life isn't about struggle. It's about joy and laughter and beauty and love. These are things that I know so deeply in myself I don't understand why I haven't been manifesting or working towards it. I feel like I have some sort of missing piece or a glitch that others do not that makes me the way that I am. That keeps bringing me back to this place. I don't care if the time frame is weeks, months, or years, I'm tired of not being my best. I'm tired of failing all the time. I'm tired of the struggle, I'm tired of the lack.

And for the first time... a large portion of me wants to give up. Live in mediocrity. Accept the struggle as my life.

And that makes me weep the most. Because I really really really don't want to. I might be alive if i did, but I wouldn't be living.

The Single Mindset

Yesterday I may have posted in a state of weakness and I am taking a hard look at everything that brought me to that (this) point. Upon my reflection, however, I cast a little light on my submissive side. A.K.A the side I have been trying to ignore.

D/s is very much a partnership for me. The ultimate partnership, if you will. The symbiotic balance of yin and yang. Obviously there are all colors on this beautiful BDSM spectrum but I speak from my proclivities/ experience --  a monogamous dominant man/ submissive woman viewpoint. It made me feel... right. Like something had been missing my entire life and suddenly POOF! There it is!

Becoming single changed that.

Putting aside my insecurity issues / displaced feeling in the world (although I know this is a factor), being a single submissive is a feeling unlike I have ever experienced. It is a feeling of security -- knowing yourself in new ways with each new discovery -- and then, slight disparagement as there is no physical sounding board to bounce and revel in ideas. There is no second person to create scenes with or find that space where adrenaline, fear, excitement, and tenderness colide. It is the structure I crave most blended with the joy of another's mutual affection.

In my experience there is a significant difference between being "vanilla single" and "submissive single". Vanilla single I could enjoy myself and let men come to me. It was easy because I knew I wasn't missing much (sad, I know). Single submissiveness brings about ... finess. It adds that feeling of "I know what I am missing" and "I don't have immediate gratification." There is frustration, fear (the not fun kind), and sadness, at times. And then there comes... patience.

Single submissiveness takes a great deal of patience. It takes a certain type of faith that the dating pool did not become smaller, but has been opened up even wider.

Calm Down, Lady

My mind is racing at double its rate and I can't seem to keep focused before succumbing to an externally put together yet on the inside head explodey mess. Everything is kind of happening all at once and I cant quite keep a lid on it. Hell, I'm afraid to even go into detail at the moment, but I'm kind of holding on for dear life at the moment and praying everything will work out. I kind of feel like I'm an intern having to do the executive's job. Personally, if I'm really honest, I needed this massive kick in the behind. I procrastinated as much as I can and I pray I can accomplish everything.

I know it will all work out in the end, but at the moment, I'm just trying to contain my fear.