It's the heaviest I've ever been.
I've always being an active gal, even if I overate or binged, you'd bet that I would work at least a good portion of it off. Hell, I'm really lucky that if I actually workout and eat right my body does this magical transformation thing and reverts quickly back to what I like to call "my healthy baseline."
I got injured back in the end of February. That means almost 8 months of basic inactivity. And lots... I do mean LOTS of binge eating bad bad food. Food to make myself feel better, foods that were easier than walking around a supermarket high out of my head on pain killers to mask a level of pain I've blocked out it was so consuming. I've basically gained 40 lbs. since my injury. And it's time I put a stop to it.
This is no longer some girl's struggle for weight loss, the symptoms I'm exhibiting are those OF AN ADDICT.
I dodged alcoholism, a coke habit (seriously, ew, never took it), and even a pill addiction (which my parents used all three & more -- my dad still uses). And yet the feelings and habits I have come to associate with unhealthy foods... they fall more in the category of "eating disorder." I am fully aware of the power I have given to food. I am fully aware of how dejected I get after a "workout" (translation: a 5-10 min SLOW walk, if that).
I'm also fully aware and ready to confront the severe negativity I have towards my body. How I've noticed lately I look at my stomach and say/ think how ugly I am... when in reality I'm still fairly attractive. If you saw me, you wouldn't know I was over 200 lbs. And that healthy, active girl... she's still in here. My mouth waters just thinking about a nice bowl of spinach and carrots (I have a serious love affair with those two); I still get jazzed about walking (even if I'm limping after 5 minutes); I still dream about doing another 5k, 10k, half-marathon, marathon, and yes, even a triathlon.
And what's been my mantra? What helps me when I get overwhelmed by change and all the other things I have to improve upon in my life?
*Weight fluctuates, it's not the most accurate way to tell progress. But my clothes have gotten tighter too, so, ew.
My eyes teared up when I read this! Oh darling! I felt so much pain in this post. I know better than to offer advice here. I just want to give you a huge hug and lots of kisses. I will pray for you. Don't lose heart dear!
ReplyDeleteI've not been as attention to other's blogs as I should have been in the past week. *HUG* I highly recommend Clean Eating - removing all processed foods from your diet, and drinking a lot of water as well. I swear by it; I lost almost 65 lbs this way and I've never looked back. The first 2 weeks are the hardest, as your body seriously goes through a processed food "withdrawl" but if you can get to the 2 weeks Clean Eating mark...you will suddenly find your ability to say no to processed junk food is so much easier. I hope everything is ok with you, and you post an update soon.
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