During our chat it became abundantly clear that even as a friend it wouldn't work. The same reason that he broke up with me -- had to get his life together and thus, didn't have time for me -- is the same reason we wouldn't be able to be friends.
That, and I became a woman with two insecure heads.
At some point in the conversation it became apparent to me that I was trying to fill a void -- out of habit. Talking and talking and talking... and it was just fluff. Meaningful fluff about real feeling and events, but when I took a step back and saw myself in this conversation I started asking myself, who are you? In the stillness of meditation afterwards it became abundantly clear that I do not have those proclivities anymore, there is no "void" to fill. I am secure enough and strong enough within myself to not talk AT a person to escape the loneliness (blogging totally doesn't count), despite what my fears say.
Those fears that I indulge and contact my ex because I fear that I'll forget about D/s, or that I'll be forgotten or that I'll have trouble finding a new Dom so I want to keep the old one in my back pocket (crazy logic, I know)...
The truth is, however, that fears are just thoughts. They have no true power and can be dismissed or replaced. Thus, it gives me strength to know that if I focus on the present, on how blessed I am right now, how God has something so much better in store for me, that my BDSM desires run deep and are not just a passing fancy... Well, that's when he becomes just another beautiful face on this wonderful Earth. A person to be treated with kindness and respect, a man whom I can appreciate for introducing me to the lifestyle I was made for and, thus, the intimacy of our past slips away.
A beautiful part of the healing process that I will faithfully pray more to be ready to embrace.
Because being stuck is a real bitch.
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