Sometimes... OK, a lot of times my thoughts turn towards submissiveness (I just rarely post them). I think of what submissive I want to be, and in all reality it is just an extension of myself. To be patient with a huge dose of snark are my ideal traits, but of course I'm flawed and so snark and stone are mostly present as of now. But that desire is there. The desire to please and have faith in another is very much present. To be rewarded with slaps and kind words spreads warmth between my legs just to write it.
This idea of earning my submission and being rewarded for it is huge for me. Two of my favorite eroticas With This Collar by Sierra Cartwright and The Saint by Tiffany Reisz have these traits in them: what the submissive does outside the bedroom affects how they are rewarded inside the bedroom. While I think I'm doing a fairly good job with drastic personal development, I like to think I can appreciate a man who would subtly turn me in the direction that would please us both equally. To me, that shows forethought and interest, as well as fearlessness and compassion.
It's pretty clear that it takes a strong type of woman to be submissive, and one word of criticism and all my squishy bits suddenly feel exposed and this fragile love I've built for myself evaporates. It begs the supreme question: am I really submissive without that outlet? Without that unrealistically high bar of strength I hold myself to? Sometimes I say "of course." Other times, the answer is "it is only a goal to achieve with the time is right."
Maybe it's a bit of both.
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