The Female Sisyphus

I'm not sure at what point I dropped the ball on living any sort of life worth living but it's occurred to me I'm just exististing. What I mean to say is it would appear I've chosen to live my life on only the barest of what could outwardly called put together. I've systematically shut down any belief in myself to occomplish anything. For example, I had a brief moment of clarity and clocked myself at a maximum of 20 seconds of effort -- even on the smallest of things. 

It doesn't matter what it is: bills, finding a piece of paper, putting my clothes away, getting to work on time, eating a remotely healthy diet, accepting I might fancy someone, applying for classes, dishes, reviewing a novel... All fill me with this sense of anxiety and dread I can only withstand for a maximum of 20 seconds. It would seem I've frozen myself in this little stasis of immobility and to be honest, I'm not even sure why or how -- or how to get myself out.

Well, I know how I got here. I'm not sure what challenge I put forth to myself but what I've let myself become is pretty much my worst nightmare. It's like at some point I "failed" at something and chose this to be my punishment. I'm preeeeeety sure the punishment doesn't fit the crime. 

Whatever the events I chose to get here, it brings me no amount of comfort to chose to get out of it. Like choosing to live my life in accordance with... I dunno happiness and comfort and flow is the equivelant of carrying the boulder up a steep incline. And sectioning it out doesn't do one iota of good because I remind myself that this pebble of a task is part of that huge heavy boulder and even if I get that pebble up the incline, that huge, heavy boulder is still on my back growing like a tumor infecting my body and life with the evil partnership of gravity.

A happy thought, no?  

I'm not quite sure how I'm going to get myself out of this one this time, but I will eventually. 

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