Life can be unexpected and grand and beautiful. Life can dole out some hard truths that challenge what people know about themselves and the world they choose to live in. A few years ago a boss joked that I thrived most at the center of chaos. He was referencing my management style and how I was happiest and most productive when I was challenged -- basically if all hell broke loose, I would have a grin and a solution. One thing that is at the core of my life's tone is that change in the only constant and I strive to embrace it. Why? Because it challenges my Taurus stubbornness of comfort and same-ness. Going back to college has ignited that drive to be more than I am now, has provided me with puzzles and challenges just waiting to be solved. Being consumed with academia has also had its down-sides, however.
The most significant down-side is the fact that my average of reading 4 books a week has been cut in half and the dread of mortality has been seeping in. This fear that I will not be able to read all the books I want to before I die... I laugh at it, but damn is it depressing. The idea that I have no control over this has added to the trajectory of minimization of "excess baggage" I have been on. Mostly meaning: if I can't take care of it, I'm not going to bother worrying about it -- this includes troubles from my past.
The result has had a decidedly cerebral effect.
Romance, children, motherhood, partnership (all things I've desired to have/ experience) seem... seem... BLANK. I don't long to have children the way I used to and in recent babysitting gigs I have left thanking God I don't have kids right now. I recognize the shift in priorities, how time consuming everything is, but when I ask myself, "do I want companionship? Do I desire love, even in the future?" The reply is ehhhh, maybe? The answer stems from the fact that I am satisfied with my life.
I love myself, I love my friends, I finally have a great relationship with my family. Through rigorous physical therapy my knee is healing and I feel confident I will run in the coming months. My brain is lulled and happy with activity and challenges. I am spiritually minded and feel confident in my goals and growth. Life feels natural, free, and balanced. In short, beyond finances, I am living from the overflow.
I'm curious as to your take on this. Have you ever gone through this? Are you perfectly happy being single?
The good thing is that you are satisfied with your life. Enjoy the moment. Single life can be very satisfying. And when you are satisfied instead of desperate, you never know if a relationship might present itself.
ReplyDeleteFD
I was speaking to a girlfriend of mine about that very thing -- you never know what might come when you're happy with your life -- and between the both of you your perspectives have been illuminating. Thank you very much for your comment!
DeleteBTW, I find your blog delightfully awesome